Dear Sharmy,
It's been a while, hasn't it? Almost 11 months already, and the pain hasn't dulled any; I still want to cry when I look at your pictures long enough... Or if I let my mind wander into our memories too much...
I have since left our house to go to college thousands of miles away. However, the months before I left were filled with tears, pain, and false sightings of you. It always seemed like you weren't gone, but only in another room, just out of my view for the moment and you would come running around the corner any minute, wanting to be fed. But then I would remember... I had a dream about you sometime after our last night together. You came back to me to visit and it was just like the old times, like life used to be back when everything was as it should be. Then, towards the end of the dream, you had to go again. I woke up crying, but I'm so glad that you came back to visit me once more. Thank you so much for that.
I got my driver’s license that summer, and spent a lot of my time out of the house. My friends became a great distraction, and life was almost bearable. Being home was a different story though. Every time I ended up home alone, I would walk up to the living room and just look around and remember. You slept on the chair that I brought back from the cabin, and the couch, and under it, and in the sun by the window. Just like before, back when you were fat and I got a workout just from carrying you. That room was one of the last rooms you were ever in. My bedroom isn't even the same without you, I didn't feel as safe when I slept and the spot where I found you catches my eye every time I enter the room.
Before I left, I went through the photo albums I had and found a lot of pictures of you that I had forgotten about. It was so nice to see you once again, but it brought tears to my eyes. It's amazing how much I miss you... But I suppose in some way I'm glad that you're not in pain or discomfort any more. I still want to be selfish, I want to have you in my life regardless, but I could never do that to you. It's so different without you in my life though. It's like a giant hole is in my world and something is missing...
Raymond and I are doing well, we just made 13 months yesterday. I'm glad that you got to meet him, because he means just as much to me as you did. Except he's at the top of my human love list and you're at the top of my pet love list. I just wish you could have gotten to know him better, because I think the first time you met him was when you were in the vets already. He's taking good care of me though, so you have nothing to worry about. Did it make it easier knowing that I would be taken care of for you? Either way, I wish the two of you could have spent more time together, because I know you both would have liked each other. You could have shown him that animals can like him and he could have shown you that I would be safe with him and that he would protect me. He's just as tolerant of my silliness as you were ^_^
Mom misses you too. She wrote a poem about you after you left, and I brought it with me to college. She came up to visit me last week and bought me a picture frame with multiple picture holes in it. She had filled it with pictures of you, and I keep it on my desk and look at you every day. It even has the first picture of us together in it. You were so skinny back then that I would almost never have guessed that it even was you! I still have pictures of us in my phone from when I came to visit you at the vets. You had lost so much weight by then... But it made me so happy that you still loved me, that you still remembered who I was, that you still wanted to be near me, that you didn't want to be away from me like I didn't want to be away from you.
Truthfully, I sometimes blame myself for what happened. Maybe if I had been more vigilant, if I had noticed more, if I had been there more, I would have noticed the change sooner and maybe the vet could have done something about it. I should have changed your water more, I should have watched you more, I should have held you more, I should have spent more time with you, I should have done so much... People often ask you what you would change in the past if you could, and I always answer nothing. But... If I had one wish, I would wish that you had never died, and that you were still the fat kitty that I knew for so long. I know you were almost 13 years old, but you still weren't supposed to die! You were supposed to live until you were 22...
I suppose it's good that you went when you did though. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been there for our last days together. I'm glad you got to be home for your last day, and that I was able to get off work that day. Raymond was there, do you remember? We had gone upstairs and you were downstairs, but I can't remember why. Then he and I went to the stairs, and there you were, trying to make your way up them. You were so weak... I ended up having to carry you up the stairs because you were having such a hard time, but you still came up after me. After that we spent a lot of time in the living room, and you slept in the sun. I forget why, but I asked Raymond to watch you for a little while because I couldn't, so he pet you while you bathed in the sun. Do you remember? I remember having to put towels down every time you lay down on something because you were so weak that you couldn't really control your bladder. I didn't mind though because you were home and some part of me hoped beyond all hope that being home would lift your spirits and heal you magically.
I stayed up with you late that night, just enjoying having you in my bedroom again, sleeping on my bed just like old times, but not at the same time. I knew you were going to go, but I refused to accept it. Being home would make you better. It had to.
I fell asleep and woke up to find you on the floor. I would change that about the past. I would go back to that night and I would stay up all night with you, petting you, telling you that I love you, reminding you about how much you meant to me. I couldn't pick you up and put you in the box; it was far too much for me. Mother had to do that, and she took you into the Humane Society that day too. I went to sleep over at Yvonne's that night, because it was her birthday. You remember Yvonne, right? We've been friends for a while, and she's been over to the house a few times. I cried that night. Hard, but Raymond was there to hold me, so I was okay. And being around friends was nice too, but it didn't stop the pain as much as I had hoped.
We still haven't gotten your ashes a nice holder. They're still in the cardboard box, in that velvet bag that they gave us. I wanted to bring you to college with me, but it would have been really weird and I would have worried about something happening to you. I want to go find something when I go back for Christmas. Mother told me that we're going to adopt a new cat too, but no other cat can replace you. You were one special fuzz ball.
I have to go get ready for bed now because it's very late over here and I have a Chemistry midterm in the morning. I love you Sharmy. I'll write again so you know how I'm doing. I hope you're happy wherever you are and that you still remember how much I love you.
Missing you,
Jennifer
It's been a while, hasn't it? Almost 11 months already, and the pain hasn't dulled any; I still want to cry when I look at your pictures long enough... Or if I let my mind wander into our memories too much...
I have since left our house to go to college thousands of miles away. However, the months before I left were filled with tears, pain, and false sightings of you. It always seemed like you weren't gone, but only in another room, just out of my view for the moment and you would come running around the corner any minute, wanting to be fed. But then I would remember... I had a dream about you sometime after our last night together. You came back to me to visit and it was just like the old times, like life used to be back when everything was as it should be. Then, towards the end of the dream, you had to go again. I woke up crying, but I'm so glad that you came back to visit me once more. Thank you so much for that.
I got my driver’s license that summer, and spent a lot of my time out of the house. My friends became a great distraction, and life was almost bearable. Being home was a different story though. Every time I ended up home alone, I would walk up to the living room and just look around and remember. You slept on the chair that I brought back from the cabin, and the couch, and under it, and in the sun by the window. Just like before, back when you were fat and I got a workout just from carrying you. That room was one of the last rooms you were ever in. My bedroom isn't even the same without you, I didn't feel as safe when I slept and the spot where I found you catches my eye every time I enter the room.
Before I left, I went through the photo albums I had and found a lot of pictures of you that I had forgotten about. It was so nice to see you once again, but it brought tears to my eyes. It's amazing how much I miss you... But I suppose in some way I'm glad that you're not in pain or discomfort any more. I still want to be selfish, I want to have you in my life regardless, but I could never do that to you. It's so different without you in my life though. It's like a giant hole is in my world and something is missing...
Raymond and I are doing well, we just made 13 months yesterday. I'm glad that you got to meet him, because he means just as much to me as you did. Except he's at the top of my human love list and you're at the top of my pet love list. I just wish you could have gotten to know him better, because I think the first time you met him was when you were in the vets already. He's taking good care of me though, so you have nothing to worry about. Did it make it easier knowing that I would be taken care of for you? Either way, I wish the two of you could have spent more time together, because I know you both would have liked each other. You could have shown him that animals can like him and he could have shown you that I would be safe with him and that he would protect me. He's just as tolerant of my silliness as you were ^_^
Mom misses you too. She wrote a poem about you after you left, and I brought it with me to college. She came up to visit me last week and bought me a picture frame with multiple picture holes in it. She had filled it with pictures of you, and I keep it on my desk and look at you every day. It even has the first picture of us together in it. You were so skinny back then that I would almost never have guessed that it even was you! I still have pictures of us in my phone from when I came to visit you at the vets. You had lost so much weight by then... But it made me so happy that you still loved me, that you still remembered who I was, that you still wanted to be near me, that you didn't want to be away from me like I didn't want to be away from you.
Truthfully, I sometimes blame myself for what happened. Maybe if I had been more vigilant, if I had noticed more, if I had been there more, I would have noticed the change sooner and maybe the vet could have done something about it. I should have changed your water more, I should have watched you more, I should have held you more, I should have spent more time with you, I should have done so much... People often ask you what you would change in the past if you could, and I always answer nothing. But... If I had one wish, I would wish that you had never died, and that you were still the fat kitty that I knew for so long. I know you were almost 13 years old, but you still weren't supposed to die! You were supposed to live until you were 22...
I suppose it's good that you went when you did though. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been there for our last days together. I'm glad you got to be home for your last day, and that I was able to get off work that day. Raymond was there, do you remember? We had gone upstairs and you were downstairs, but I can't remember why. Then he and I went to the stairs, and there you were, trying to make your way up them. You were so weak... I ended up having to carry you up the stairs because you were having such a hard time, but you still came up after me. After that we spent a lot of time in the living room, and you slept in the sun. I forget why, but I asked Raymond to watch you for a little while because I couldn't, so he pet you while you bathed in the sun. Do you remember? I remember having to put towels down every time you lay down on something because you were so weak that you couldn't really control your bladder. I didn't mind though because you were home and some part of me hoped beyond all hope that being home would lift your spirits and heal you magically.
I stayed up with you late that night, just enjoying having you in my bedroom again, sleeping on my bed just like old times, but not at the same time. I knew you were going to go, but I refused to accept it. Being home would make you better. It had to.
I fell asleep and woke up to find you on the floor. I would change that about the past. I would go back to that night and I would stay up all night with you, petting you, telling you that I love you, reminding you about how much you meant to me. I couldn't pick you up and put you in the box; it was far too much for me. Mother had to do that, and she took you into the Humane Society that day too. I went to sleep over at Yvonne's that night, because it was her birthday. You remember Yvonne, right? We've been friends for a while, and she's been over to the house a few times. I cried that night. Hard, but Raymond was there to hold me, so I was okay. And being around friends was nice too, but it didn't stop the pain as much as I had hoped.
We still haven't gotten your ashes a nice holder. They're still in the cardboard box, in that velvet bag that they gave us. I wanted to bring you to college with me, but it would have been really weird and I would have worried about something happening to you. I want to go find something when I go back for Christmas. Mother told me that we're going to adopt a new cat too, but no other cat can replace you. You were one special fuzz ball.
I have to go get ready for bed now because it's very late over here and I have a Chemistry midterm in the morning. I love you Sharmy. I'll write again so you know how I'm doing. I hope you're happy wherever you are and that you still remember how much I love you.
Missing you,
Jennifer
- Mood:
lonely - Music:You'll Be In My Heart by Phill Collins
Yup. They are pretty darnded useful if you ask me.
They can answer questions for you and they make you square =D
My friends are crazy, and I love them =]
<3
They can answer questions for you and they make you square =D
But what I really needed someone else's to cry on last night.
So sad.
I was having an emotional breakdown.
It's funny in retrospect =P
So sad.
I was having an emotional breakdown.
I have to learn how to vent to people. One of my manny issues.
So... Lip Sync practice today was fun. We're coming along really well =D
We'rehopefully gonna win!
We're
My Jamba Juice interview is tomorrow...
I don't think that I'm ready, but I'm never really ready ^__^
I don't think that I'm ready, but I'm never really ready ^__^
Express yourself darn it!
Be a risk taker!
Don't think I'll ever be able to do it.
Be a risk taker!
I think I've given up on hope for the moment.
It just makes life that much more painful.
And also, I have no chance.
It is me after all
It just makes life that much more painful.
And also, I have no chance.
My friends are crazy, and I love them =]
<3
- Mood:
melancholy - Music:Marry U by Super Junior
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